There is nothing like a bit of rejection to ignite the angst ridden question, am I loveable? To introduce the topic I’ll start with an experience of my own. Then, let’s get to know if this is a common feeling across all human people, and how do they deal (or not)?
For me, it started with a phone call from a guy I had briefly dated. Puzzled when his name flashed on the iphone, curiosity took the better of me and I pressed the green button. Gentleman that he is, he apologised for mishandling our transition from mild dating to nothing. And while I understood that “he was just not that into me” and could accept his apology gracefully, somewhere deep inside my soul came a feeling. It started like a high pitched noise that slowly became clearer then settled itself just below my chest. The feeling became a thought and the dreaded sentence was uttered by my brain: “am I loveable,” leaving me breathless.
These crushing feelings do not disappear when you come of age, at 18, 21 or even 30. Everyone just expects you to handle negativity better, mostly because you’ve been through it all before. (And by everyone I mean your family, friends, colleagues and even those strangers at a party who don’t want hear it.) Because I have been “here” before, I know that the excruciating emotion will pass fast, and the aftershocks may linger. But, it’s up to my attitude if they malinger on and gnaw away my confidence.
Because my bestie lives in another time-zone and my other friends have regular jobs and can’t be there for my mini-crisis, I took care of myself. Instead, I focussed in on my own work, demonstrating that I’ve got my own back, to me.
The mindfulness and effort it took to concentrate on work is testament to the benefits of meditation.
Maybe I’ll try writing this piece again in the moment (when it comes along again as it surely will) rather that from the distance of emotional equilibrium just so we can measure the strength of the “am I loveable” emotion. It’s a question that hones in on your worthiness to exist alongside all other people, and all other atoms.
Now let’s see what we can pick up from our friends on the Soundcloud podcasts below. I hope I find someone that has never felt this way before.